How to Find Positive Male Role Models for Your Son

  • Children Mental Health

Maybe you’ve noticed your son pulling away. Maybe he’s started espousing ideals about manhood you know he didn’t pick up from home. If, as a result, you’ve started searching for positive male role models online, you’ve probably found endless lists of famous athletes, celebrities, CEOs, etc. Interesting, yes, but not much help on a Tuesday afternoon when he’s quiet at dinner again. The approach we’ll be advocating here is a different one, centered around finding, vetting, and building relationships with the men already in your son’s life. 

What a Positive Male Role Model Does

What is a role model? He’s a man your son sees often, in ordinary moments: handling frustration, failure, disagreement, and care right in front of him. Admiration happens at a distance. Modeling requires proximity. 

Your son can absorb all sorts of things from a male role model:

  • How he apologizes when he’s wrong
  • How he talks about women when none are around
  • How he handles losing
  • Whether he asks for help instead of pretending he doesn’t need it

Why One Isn’t Enough

Why are role models important in the plural? Because different men model different things. A coach shows discipline under pressure. An uncle shows how to sit with an awkward silence. Both call for the input of different people in different roles. That’s why positive male role models work best as a group.

This holds even with an involved, present father. A dad can’t simultaneously be a peer and a coach. As such, the importance of male role models outside the home isn’t a comment on what’s missing inside it. It also means one conflict or one move doesn’t wipe out your son’s entire support system.

What If the Role Goes Unfilled?

This isn’t about what might be missing in your family. Plenty of two-parent homes miss this, too. Clinicians see a pattern when a boy is growing up without a father figure or any other steady male presence: He fills the gap with whatever’s available, often online personalities who reward certainty and contempt over nuance.

The effects don’t always look like sadness. More often it’s anger or withdrawal, which is part of why parents miss it. A short temper or a slammed door can just be a boy looking for something he hasn’t found yet.

Where to Look: Coaches, Teachers, Uncles & Mentors

Male role models for boys are usually closer than you think. 

By now you likely have a working sense of what is a role model, which makes it easier to spot one nearby. Most families already have two or three candidates for positive male role models and just haven’t thought of them that way yet.

  • School and teachers: They see your son handle frustration and mistakes in real time.
  • Coaches: They watch boys perform under pressure.
  • Extended family and family friends: A lower-stakes place to talk than a parent offers.
  • Faith or community groups: They offer built-in structure and consistency.
  • Formal mentoring programs: Worth exploring if you don’t have candidates nearby, and a direct route to the benefits of mentoring youth.

How to Tell a Good Male Role Model From a Bad One

What makes a good role model isn’t a vibe; it’s behavior you can watch for.

Green flags:

  • Admits mistakes in front of your son, without deflecting
  • Speaks about women and girls with respect even when none are around
  • Shows interest in your son without needing to be the center of attention
  • Respects your household rules instead of playing the fun exception
  • Encourages your son toward you, not away from you

Red flags:

  • Frames emotion as weakness, or mocks it
  • Treats contempt as humor, especially toward women or people he calls “soft”
  • Keeps secrets with your son that you’re not supposed to know about
  • Undermines your parenting decisions, even as a joke
  • Needs your son’s admiration more than your son needs his guidance

Any adult who encourages secrecy from parents is a safety concern. Trust your instinct, and limit access if you see it. That’s what makes a good role model in practice.

When His Role Models Are Coming From a Screen

If your son’s cues are coming from a screen instead of a person, it helps to understand why before shutting it down.

Algorithmic content is built to be consistent, confident, and always available: exactly what looks like mentorship to a boy searching for it. Arguing with the content rarely works, since you’re competing with something engineered to hold attention. The better move is supplying a stronger, in-person source rather than restricting the screen.

We’ve covered this pattern in greater depth on our podcast: Exploring Toxic Masculinity: What Our Boys Are Silently Suffering Through and Breaking the Cycle of Toxic Masculinity: Helping Boys & Men Thrive. If screen time itself is part of what you’re navigating, our blog post on the impact of social media on adolescent mental health is a good next stop.

How to Start the Conversation Without Making It Weird

When approaching another adult for mentoring, frame it as an invitation: “We’re doing a fishing trip Saturday, want to come?” beats “Would you mentor my son?”

For your son, skip the announcement. A boy told he’s being assigned a role model will reject it on principle. And side-by-side settings beat face-to-face ones: driving, walking the dog, cooking, or fixing something together produces more real conversation than sitting across a table. 

Don’t name it. Just let it happen naturally.

How Mentoring Support Works at Advanced Behavioral Health

If you’re still coming up short on candidates, formal mentoring is one option among several.

If you want that consistency built in from the start, ABH Maryland’s Youth Mentoring program pairs young people with trained mentors, onsite and offsite, around coping skills, peer relationships, self-esteem, and personal responsibility. It’s one of the benefits of mentoring youth that’s easy to overlook: Your son gets a steady adult presence without you having to manage the relationship yourself.

The program serves families across Baltimore, Carroll, Frederick, Montgomery, Prince George’s, and Washington Counties. If this sounds like a fit, our Youth & Adult Mentoring Service page has more detail, and our full range of services is worth a look.

Start This Week

Pick two men already in your son’s life this week: an uncle, a coach, a teacher he’s mentioned. Notice them on purpose. Building a circle of positive male role models is normal parenting work, not crisis management. 

If you want help building out the rest of his circle, reach out to our team.

When you think of the well-being of a child, you first think of basic needs: food, water, and shelter. Once these needs are met, however, it’s crucial for a child to have emotional and social wellness as well. In this article, we will explore the impact social wellness has on the overall health of a child and great ways for children to garner social support in their lives.

It comes as no surprise that as human beings, we all need connection with others, no matter what stage of life we are in. In fact, having social support is a social determinant of health (SDOH) that significantly impacts the health of an individual. After spending the last few years in and out of isolation due to the Covid-19 outbreak, social support is more important now than ever before. Having social support means having family members and friends you can talk to and seek advice from when life feels challenging and overwhelming. Knowing you’re not alone in your life journey, especially as a child, creates a sense of belonging and empowerment throughout one’s life.

4 Types of Social Support

Emotional Support. This type of support lets you know that people care about you and have empathy for your experiences. Emotional support often looks like people checking in on you to let you know they’re thinking of you, and that they are there if you need anything. As a parent, make sure your child knows you can be a sounding board for them. If you have family members who can also show up for your children in this way, even better!

Practical Help. This type of support is when people give you something tangible or offer a service to help you out. This could be in the form of money, making food when you are sick, or helping to pack when moving. Having family and friends show up in this way shows your child what it looks like to be present for people you love.

Sharing Points of View. This type of support can often come in the form of affirmations and encouragement. For example, pointing out your child’s strengths to them and reminding them they can do anything they put their mind to. It can also look like sharing another perspective if they are being hard on themselves. For example, if they are angry with themselves after receiving a bad grade on a test, you can help them see it as a learning experience and a way for them to grow.

Sharing Information. This type of support is when someone shares what they’ve learned from their own life experiences. For example, if another parent has a child who struggles with socializing, they can share some tips and tricks they’ve learned to help their child find and create social support.

The Importance of Social Groups and Extended Support

Children who are connected to their family, friends, and people in their community have opportunities to learn how to speak, share, and get along with others. When your child feels connected to people in your neighborhood, it often allows them to feel physically safe which can alleviate stress and worry. Simply riding bikes, going on walks, and saying hello to neighbors with your kids can create this sense of security for them.

In addition to engaging with your neighbors, getting involved in local organizations can also create social support for your child. Signing up for a sports team, musical theater, art class or summer camp are all great ways to help your child meet new friends and learn important social skills that can carry them through their lives.

Tips for Helping Kids Make Community Connections:

Spend time outside in your neighborhood playing on the playground, going to a local farmer’s market, or scheduling a playdate with neighborhood kids.

Show your kids that connection is a two-way street. If your neighbors or friends go out of town, offer to get their mail, or water their plants and take your child with you when you go. This will show your child how you show up for people you care about.

Make sure you make time for socializing with friends as well. Your child looks to you first and foremost for how they should act and live their own life.

Encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and do something they may be scared to do. As a parent, it’s your job to push them into something social for their own well-being at times.